The day would be beautiful on this day of all days. Ennis thought what it would have been like, meeting Jack in Pine Creek, instead of visiting his folks for Thanksgiving. Better yet, in his dream, visiting his folks with him together. It was a good thing, being a sunny crisp autumn day with the hillside ablaze in crimson and gold. It made his thoughts happier, not so sad. It was easier to feel sad these days, too easy. Jack wouldn't have anything to do with that. He would bring out his harmonica and play a cheerful tune, lousy tune, but cheerful anyway. Shaking his head, Ennis shook off the melancholy. It wouldn't do to be sad and nostalgic in front of Jack's Ma. The old man wouldn't care, probably, but she was already suffering enough.
Ennis took a deep breath, and allowed the cool mountain air to penetrate his lungs. No use trying to exhale slowly, the cold air brought on a spasm of coughing. Got to stop smoking so much, Ennis reminded himself. Jack used to say that to him. And he used to tell Jack to stop drinking so much. Memory of their silly friendly banter brought a tiny smile, and a light twinkle in his eyes. Ennis took another deep breath, and managed to let the air out slowly this time.
Yeah, got to think of his folks, how to be there and not weigh them down. Got to help the old man around the place. Jack'd like that. Got to talk with Jack's Ma without the old man cutting in, cutting down. Got to find out more about Jack when he was a boy. What did he like? What did he do?
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Chapter 2: Thanksgiving
It's been three months since he returned from Lightning Flats with Jack's shirt, the one now hanging in his closet, inside his own bloodied sleeves. It felt right, to switch the shirts around, putting Jack's inside his own. He knew Jack would understand. It felt right, like it was when they slept together in the tent, Jack snuggly in his arms. It felt right, like that embrace long ago, when Jack was dozing in front of the fire with the dying sun behind them, and he sneaked up to Jack and wrapped his arms around him, with their shadows together, their hearts beating as one, their souls intertwined. The pain of missing Jack was always there, everyday, but the peace of knowing he was loved, accepting his own love, was also there, every moment of every day. Gone was the old fear that kept him from Jack. Nothing was important, nothing was significant, nothing had meaning, compared to the one obsession...his love, their love. His dreams are filled with it, sometimes. What was empty confusion filled with longing for a love that he thought he couldn't have, was replaced with a bittersweet contentment of a love that he treasure with all his heart and soul.
It was a funny coincident that Junior dropped by just as he was putting up those numbers on his new mailbox. Now that he kept regular correspondence with Jack's Ma, he needed to have a regular address so he can get her letters as soon as possible. It was funny that the two most important women in his life came together symbolically that same day, the night before when Jack first came to him in his dreams. He was there in the kitchen, with his Ma and the old man. Ennis was there, too. The table had a feast of fixings, beans, and jerky, and turkey. They were one happy family. He was happy waking from that dream. The pain of missing Jack was still there, but the love from the dream lingered for the rest of that day, when Junior showed up. He was glad to ask her about Kurt. He knew that it wouldn't do for her not to marry someone who loved her, like Jack loved him. He wanted that for his little darling. He was glad the day was almost perfect, as he made his promise to Jack, before turning in, hoping for another dream of Jack. It would have been perfect, if he had Jack right there, on the pillow before him, the one he kept immaculate, just for him. The same pillow that night after night become stained with tears.
"Enough of that." Ennis thought, "Time to get ready." He was thrilled to hear back from Jack's Ma, to be invited to spend Thanksgiving with them. Everything is going to be perfect, just like in his dream. He got the turkey, the beef jerky, the bean, the cranberry. Jack's Ma insisted on baking her cherry cake, and pumpkin pie. He smiled with the memory of the delicious aroma when he visited again the second time. The old man was still cranky and mean as ever, but he enjoyed spending time with Jack's Ma. He knew that she knew about them, about their friendship being more than just ordinary friendship between two fishing buddies, or whatever. Her every word, every gesture had been kindness and compassion. He could recognize traces of her in Jack, and being in her presence, in her house, was the closet he could feel being with Jack again, except in his happy dreams.
Loading up the truck, and packing it with ice, Ennis started off on the long drive to Jack Twist childhood home, to spend Thanksgiving with the one person who shared his love for the only man he ever loved.
It was a funny coincident that Junior dropped by just as he was putting up those numbers on his new mailbox. Now that he kept regular correspondence with Jack's Ma, he needed to have a regular address so he can get her letters as soon as possible. It was funny that the two most important women in his life came together symbolically that same day, the night before when Jack first came to him in his dreams. He was there in the kitchen, with his Ma and the old man. Ennis was there, too. The table had a feast of fixings, beans, and jerky, and turkey. They were one happy family. He was happy waking from that dream. The pain of missing Jack was still there, but the love from the dream lingered for the rest of that day, when Junior showed up. He was glad to ask her about Kurt. He knew that it wouldn't do for her not to marry someone who loved her, like Jack loved him. He wanted that for his little darling. He was glad the day was almost perfect, as he made his promise to Jack, before turning in, hoping for another dream of Jack. It would have been perfect, if he had Jack right there, on the pillow before him, the one he kept immaculate, just for him. The same pillow that night after night become stained with tears.
"Enough of that." Ennis thought, "Time to get ready." He was thrilled to hear back from Jack's Ma, to be invited to spend Thanksgiving with them. Everything is going to be perfect, just like in his dream. He got the turkey, the beef jerky, the bean, the cranberry. Jack's Ma insisted on baking her cherry cake, and pumpkin pie. He smiled with the memory of the delicious aroma when he visited again the second time. The old man was still cranky and mean as ever, but he enjoyed spending time with Jack's Ma. He knew that she knew about them, about their friendship being more than just ordinary friendship between two fishing buddies, or whatever. Her every word, every gesture had been kindness and compassion. He could recognize traces of her in Jack, and being in her presence, in her house, was the closet he could feel being with Jack again, except in his happy dreams.
Loading up the truck, and packing it with ice, Ennis started off on the long drive to Jack Twist childhood home, to spend Thanksgiving with the one person who shared his love for the only man he ever loved.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Chapter 1: Return from Lightning Flats
Headlights traveled along the winding country road. A car alone at night, among the stars, traced the outline of the mountain as it descended from the Twist ranch in Lightning Flats. Ennis Del Mar was deep in thought behind the wheel, collecting his thoughts, his feelings, after a lifetime of memories went through his head, his heart in Jack's room.
"The dumb ass stole my shirt and kept it to himself for these twenty years. Those four lonely years, when I thought he was sore from me punching him on the mountain that last day, he had these shirts all along."
Unconsciously, his hand drifted from the steering wheel, to caress the paper bag holding the one connection with Jack, reminiscing the texture of the fabric, the aroma Jack left on his shirt, mixed with his own that day when they rolled around on the grassy hill. A smile found its way to his lips, as often the case when he thought of those wonderful days, one summer on Brokeback Mountain in '63.
With thoughts of that summer, invariably they come to an end, the sudden end that summer after a particularly bad snow storm one night. It came overnight, and left just as quickly. By the time Ennis rode down from the pastures, the snow already melted around the camp site, and Jack had already packed most of the gears away. The memory of that afternoon, once again brought Ennis close to tears. That one accidental knee jerk reaction from Jack, knocking his nose bloodied, staining those very shirts on the seat next to him. Jack the ever gentle angel, trying to calm and sooth his pain and panic, didn't see the sucker punch when Ennis laid him flat. The sense of guilt and anger and shame came over him as if it were only yesterday, and not twenty years ago.
"That dumb ass. Why didn't he get up and punch me back? We could've fought it out, and then if nothing else, we would have made up afterwards." That's what he missed most for them four years after they parted company, after he walked away from the love of his life, and promptly got sick to the stomach.
Ennis punched the dashboard and stifled the tears that threaten to spill all over the steering wheel. As the tears subsided with the anger and grief, Ennis began to realize the significance of John Twist's words in the kitchen. Although the old stud duck meant to twist the knife that was already cutting him into bits and pieces, by keeping Jack's ashes, instead of giving Ennis permission to do like Jack wanted, the old bully didn't know, and Ennis didn't know at the time, that those same words that hurt so much in the kitchen, brought comfort and clarity. Jack had been saying he wanted to start a cow and calf operation for as long as they got back together that first time, sixteen years ago. "Why didn't the dumbass say so, that it was his folks' place?!" Ennis fought back the tears, over missed opportunities, thinking what could have been. He tried hard to forget the second part of what John Twist said, about the Texan ranger neighbor. No, he couldn't think of that now. All he could think of, was how much it would hurt, missing Jack, couldn't take back them hurtful words when they last said goodbye.
"He loved me, but didn't say a damn thing. He kept saying how much he missed me, how he could hardly stand it. Is that love? Never enough time. I swear, Jack, I will take your ashes to Brokeback Mountain if it is the last thing I do." With that resolution firmly in his mind, Ennis drove on, along the switch back road, home to broken dreams. Everything else disappeared into insignificance compared to that one overriding desire, to be reunited with the one love of his life. Paradoxically, with this new conviction, Ennis could see all the confusion in his life better, clearer, and knew exactly what he needed to do, how he could make this one dream come true.
"The dumb ass stole my shirt and kept it to himself for these twenty years. Those four lonely years, when I thought he was sore from me punching him on the mountain that last day, he had these shirts all along."
Unconsciously, his hand drifted from the steering wheel, to caress the paper bag holding the one connection with Jack, reminiscing the texture of the fabric, the aroma Jack left on his shirt, mixed with his own that day when they rolled around on the grassy hill. A smile found its way to his lips, as often the case when he thought of those wonderful days, one summer on Brokeback Mountain in '63.
With thoughts of that summer, invariably they come to an end, the sudden end that summer after a particularly bad snow storm one night. It came overnight, and left just as quickly. By the time Ennis rode down from the pastures, the snow already melted around the camp site, and Jack had already packed most of the gears away. The memory of that afternoon, once again brought Ennis close to tears. That one accidental knee jerk reaction from Jack, knocking his nose bloodied, staining those very shirts on the seat next to him. Jack the ever gentle angel, trying to calm and sooth his pain and panic, didn't see the sucker punch when Ennis laid him flat. The sense of guilt and anger and shame came over him as if it were only yesterday, and not twenty years ago.
"That dumb ass. Why didn't he get up and punch me back? We could've fought it out, and then if nothing else, we would have made up afterwards." That's what he missed most for them four years after they parted company, after he walked away from the love of his life, and promptly got sick to the stomach.
Ennis punched the dashboard and stifled the tears that threaten to spill all over the steering wheel. As the tears subsided with the anger and grief, Ennis began to realize the significance of John Twist's words in the kitchen. Although the old stud duck meant to twist the knife that was already cutting him into bits and pieces, by keeping Jack's ashes, instead of giving Ennis permission to do like Jack wanted, the old bully didn't know, and Ennis didn't know at the time, that those same words that hurt so much in the kitchen, brought comfort and clarity. Jack had been saying he wanted to start a cow and calf operation for as long as they got back together that first time, sixteen years ago. "Why didn't the dumbass say so, that it was his folks' place?!" Ennis fought back the tears, over missed opportunities, thinking what could have been. He tried hard to forget the second part of what John Twist said, about the Texan ranger neighbor. No, he couldn't think of that now. All he could think of, was how much it would hurt, missing Jack, couldn't take back them hurtful words when they last said goodbye.
"He loved me, but didn't say a damn thing. He kept saying how much he missed me, how he could hardly stand it. Is that love? Never enough time. I swear, Jack, I will take your ashes to Brokeback Mountain if it is the last thing I do." With that resolution firmly in his mind, Ennis drove on, along the switch back road, home to broken dreams. Everything else disappeared into insignificance compared to that one overriding desire, to be reunited with the one love of his life. Paradoxically, with this new conviction, Ennis could see all the confusion in his life better, clearer, and knew exactly what he needed to do, how he could make this one dream come true.
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