Headlights traveled along the winding country road. A car alone at night, among the stars, traced the outline of the mountain as it descended from the Twist ranch in Lightning Flats. Ennis Del Mar was deep in thought behind the wheel, collecting his thoughts, his feelings, after a lifetime of memories went through his head, his heart in Jack's room.
"The dumb ass stole my shirt and kept it to himself for these twenty years. Those four lonely years, when I thought he was sore from me punching him on the mountain that last day, he had these shirts all along."
Unconsciously, his hand drifted from the steering wheel, to caress the paper bag holding the one connection with Jack, reminiscing the texture of the fabric, the aroma Jack left on his shirt, mixed with his own that day when they rolled around on the grassy hill. A smile found its way to his lips, as often the case when he thought of those wonderful days, one summer on Brokeback Mountain in '63.
With thoughts of that summer, invariably they come to an end, the sudden end that summer after a particularly bad snow storm one night. It came overnight, and left just as quickly. By the time Ennis rode down from the pastures, the snow already melted around the camp site, and Jack had already packed most of the gears away. The memory of that afternoon, once again brought Ennis close to tears. That one accidental knee jerk reaction from Jack, knocking his nose bloodied, staining those very shirts on the seat next to him. Jack the ever gentle angel, trying to calm and sooth his pain and panic, didn't see the sucker punch when Ennis laid him flat. The sense of guilt and anger and shame came over him as if it were only yesterday, and not twenty years ago.
"That dumb ass. Why didn't he get up and punch me back? We could've fought it out, and then if nothing else, we would have made up afterwards." That's what he missed most for them four years after they parted company, after he walked away from the love of his life, and promptly got sick to the stomach.
Ennis punched the dashboard and stifled the tears that threaten to spill all over the steering wheel. As the tears subsided with the anger and grief, Ennis began to realize the significance of John Twist's words in the kitchen. Although the old stud duck meant to twist the knife that was already cutting him into bits and pieces, by keeping Jack's ashes, instead of giving Ennis permission to do like Jack wanted, the old bully didn't know, and Ennis didn't know at the time, that those same words that hurt so much in the kitchen, brought comfort and clarity. Jack had been saying he wanted to start a cow and calf operation for as long as they got back together that first time, sixteen years ago. "Why didn't the dumbass say so, that it was his folks' place?!" Ennis fought back the tears, over missed opportunities, thinking what could have been. He tried hard to forget the second part of what John Twist said, about the Texan ranger neighbor. No, he couldn't think of that now. All he could think of, was how much it would hurt, missing Jack, couldn't take back them hurtful words when they last said goodbye.
"He loved me, but didn't say a damn thing. He kept saying how much he missed me, how he could hardly stand it. Is that love? Never enough time. I swear, Jack, I will take your ashes to Brokeback Mountain if it is the last thing I do." With that resolution firmly in his mind, Ennis drove on, along the switch back road, home to broken dreams. Everything else disappeared into insignificance compared to that one overriding desire, to be reunited with the one love of his life. Paradoxically, with this new conviction, Ennis could see all the confusion in his life better, clearer, and knew exactly what he needed to do, how he could make this one dream come true.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment